Gardening at Night

I am considering using reverse psychology on my lawn. It works on kids. I bet it works on grass too. The thing is my grass, much like my kids, won't do what it is supposed to do -like grow lush and green in the lawn. Witness the brown spots, the yellow wilted places, the vast swaths given over to dandelions and clover. But boy oh boy howdy! will it sprout enthusiastically anywhere I don't need grass! Like the flowerbed, or the window well, or the driveway covered completely in three inch concrete.

I walk out of my house and am greeted with the prospect of mowing my driveway. I go to weed the flowerbeds and find foot high grass happily choking out the alyssum. I don't know whether to weed whack, trim, or run about dropping fertilizer and exclaiming in a cheery plaid shirted bearded Scottish accent "Fedd yor lawn! FEDD IT!"


So, to that end I am considering torching the lawn and installing concrete. For the driveway I will mow and mulch and lovingly apply lawn feed. I figure within a few months the grass won't know where it is supposed to grow. There will be a time of great instability. For seven watering cycles famine will reign in Egypt and all that groweth green and leafy will weep and wail and perish under the wrath of a displeased God! (Smite yor lawn! SMITE IT! Muahahahahahah) Then lo! There will be a space of stillness in the yard. And it shall come to pass that they who were once green and haughty and did refuse to grow in the lush land which I did give unto them shall bow down and be humbled, and I will have mercy on them and allow them to find rest and pasture in the new land which I have prepared, yea even a land of milk and nitrogen, yea even a land of promise -as in if you do not grow green and leafy here I promise I will destroy you!

If that doesn't work then I got nothing. The wreck of my pathetic yard will be the cautionary tale of the neighborhood. It will become a hiss and a byword. People will shuffle by it silently on their morning jog averting their eyes. They will cross the street when they walk by with their children. Look honey! That's where Mr. Dobson destroyed his lawn! We don't want to be like Mr. Dobson do we? No Mommy we don't!

I might try gardening at night where no one can see me. As long as no one thinks I am burying bodies or something. Awkward. How hard is it to dig through concrete anyway?